He showed up to take me on a date in a shirt I’m not fond of. I talked during the entire drive to the pub. I answered all of the questions the other couple asked us. On our walk back to the car, I talked about how much fun that was for me and waited for him to open my car door; and in the 10 seconds it took him to walk from my door to his, reality slapped me in the face so hard, I swear I could taste the pumpkin spice latte I made him bring me earlier that day. “Holy freaking crap, felish. you are incredibly selfish.”
It’s not like I intended to be. I’m completely obsessed with this red-headed future husband of mine. But somehow, I got myself to this place of complete comfort. Of conforming this beautiful creature that God created into something perfect for me. Outwardly, I would grit my teeth and put up with what “wasn’t perfect”. And then also I’d say things like “are you seriously wearing that?” or “just let the song be what it is. It doesn’t need to be anything more.” or “could you not be so outgoing?”. All met with “okay baby. Sorry.” and then, in that 10 seconds I had to myself in the car, I realized that I was trying to date ME. I was trying to recreate me to date because that was convenient. That took zero work to try and understand. That was safe and not messy at all. I stifled the creativity of the most creative person i’ve ever known.
“Awesome” I thought, “now what?” “baby steps” said God. “ask Me how I see him and then watch in awe as he creates and IS HIMSELF” So I did. On our drive home, I put on his favorite music. The music that is so strange and hard for me to understand. I turned it on and I saw a light in his eyes that I haven’t seen in a really long time. I was both devastated and completely in love. “Can we just drive? I want to just drive with you” I said as we were nearing my street. He lit up even more, put his hand on my leg and just whispered “sure.” we drove for miles and my leg became a piano. He created his own parts to the songs and brought up theories and ideas. I had a choice. Either completely beat myself up about the fact that I somehow became a relationship monster, or forgive myself and agree with the Lord to move on. To open my eyes to what the Lord so excitingly blessed me with.
Why did I just let you in on a really ugly part of me? Because I feel that lesson is vital. You are you. Your child is your child. Your boyfriend is your boyfriend. Your wife is your wife. Your friend is your friend. Sometimes life gets really comfortable and routine and we can unintentionally get selfish. Take a minute, do something unselfish, and then look deeply at your persons face. Look for jesus in them. Have grace for your season and for yourself. Apologize (I think the power of an apology in the spirit realm is sincerely underrated). And move on. Life is beautiful. Gods children are beautiful. They aren’t robots. We aren’t robots. We are creative beings and we all deserve to be championed.