I’m standing on a line, looking at my last week in America for (as of now. If not intervened by a divine act of the lord) roughly 10 months. I’m looking at it and I am simultaneously begging time to just slow its pace for a little while. Time, I’ve learned from this last year is both my best friend, and my worst enemy. (That was cheesy of me to say and I apologize)
Today, I drove north. If you know me, you know my unexplainable adoration for anything northern, anything cold, and especially any kind of pine tree-blanketed landscape, interrupted by plumes of chimney smoke. I drove north and I listened to quiet folk music and I stopped at a quaint coffee roasting building. And I focused the entire time on soaking every last drop out of it all.
That, friends, has been the theme of this time home. No matter the cost, I’ve made it my absolute goal to do what makes my heart not just happy, no that won’t do. I have done the things and seen the people that make my heart absolutely break with awe and comfort and delirious joy. Has this trip home gone at all how I pictured it going? Absolutely not. But, I’ve learned this year, that’s life. It almost never goes how we think it should go. If we allow our minds to have the right perspective, however, we can find in the tension that it turns out to be exactly what we didn’t know we needed.
Halfway through this time, I became bedridden sick. Awesome. Seriously? In the middle of my very short time home? I had to cancel plans and actually hold still. Not okay. But God, as He so gently and all the time does, used that opportunity to talk to me about some petty important and sort of no fun things. We laid in my bed for 3 days and cried and talked and I sang love songs to Him and He listed off the things He so loves about me and, of course, I came out of that experience completely changed, challenged, and more confident. All of this rambling is to wrap up to these two points: growth is important and not dependent on your environment; and community is absolutely necessary. This time felt like a break, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t have stuff to work on. And also, as I worked things out with the lord, I learned the importance of not being afraid of mess and not being afraid to be messy in front of the people I call my family or community.
I have an amazing calling on my life and I am already being empowered as a leader. But that doesn’t mean I am perfect. That doesn’t mean that all of a sudden I’m not allowed to have a mess in my life. Man, that is probably my most favorite lesson I’ve learned to date.
Back to my love for the northwest. I’m not going to pretend that I am stoked beyond measure to get back to Nicaragua. I created deep covenant and newer connections on this trip home. I rediscovered my love for this town and surrounding areas. My body got to be cold and then cozy again. I felt comfortable again in leadership, in community, in my culture, the list goes on. The real truth is, Latin American culture is extremely hard and frustrating for me to understand and find my place in. Going back has the potential to be really rough for me. But do you know what, I will continue to say YES. Because God wouldn’t call me somewhere if He didn’t have grace for me. If it’s to introduce children to the concept of freedom, I will gladly pick my sword back up and charge head on into battle. There is going to be an abundance of fruit from this season. And even if there weren’t, I’d still do it with a joyful heart because my Heavenly Father is the best dad in the whole world and I would do anything for Him.
This post was very rambly. But it’s what my heart is feeling at the moment. If you’ve made it this far, here’s what I need from you. I need you to continue to pray for my time in Nicaragua. Pray for my heart. Pray for my sweet kids to connect well with me and pray for papa God to help them this year with His wisdom. Pray for finances to be abundant in my life. Send me letters. Text me. Send me hilarious videos- you get it. Seriously, bother the heck out of me!
You guys, I am blown away by your consistent love and constant connection in my life. I’m crying as I think about how welcomed and NOT disconnected I felt as I came home. How did I get so lucky to have you all?
Go up to the snow for me.
Until next time
xx
Untamed Grace 